Growing Through the Unexpected: Supporting Your LGBTQIA+ Child

This article was written by Sarah Lathrop, LAPC (she/her), an experienced clinician specializing in support to LGBTQIA+ teens (15+) and parents who need guidance and support for processing unexpected feelings, such as grief, when they learn of their child coming out into the LGBTQIA+ community.  Contact scheduling to book an appointment for LGBTQIA+ support or parenting your LGBTQIA+ child.

A Parent’s Journey: Making Sense of Your Feelings When Your Child Comes Out

As parents, we often imagine what we hope our child’s life will look like. We picture success, happiness, marriage, children, stability — and above all, a life that feels easier or better than the one we may have had ourselves. These dreams are built out of love. They come from a desire for our children’s safety, fulfillment, and joy.

But what happens when the image we’ve carried for years no longer matches the reality unfolding in front of us?

This question is at the heart of why the coming out process can feel so emotionally complex — not only for members of the LGBTQIA+ community, but also for their parents.

You may not realize it, but from a young age, parents gently (and sometimes not so gently) steer children toward the life they envision for them. At its core, this guidance is not negative. It’s rooted in care and protection. The challenge arises when a child’s authentic identity does not align with that imagined future.

Even when parents continue to love and support their child after they come out, it is not uncommon to experience emotions that closely resemble grief.

Understanding Grief Beyond Death

When we think of grief, we often associate it with the death of a loved one or a natural disaster. However, grief is not limited to physical loss. Humans experience grief anytime there is a loss of expectations, dreams, or imagined futures.

The coming-out process can sometimes represent the loss of the narrative a parent had written in their mind. That does not mean the child is a loss. It means the expectation has shifted.

Grief is often described as occurring in five stages. These stages are not linear, and not everyone experiences all of them. There is no timeline, no “right way,” and no set order.

The Five Stages of Grief

1. Denial
Denial can feel like pretending nothing has changed. It protects us by allowing us to ease into a new reality gradually. In this context, denial may look like continuing to ask your child when they’ll get a boyfriend or girlfriend that aligns with previous expectations, using their birth name (sometimes referred to as a “dead name”), or defaulting to former pronouns. Often, this is not intentional harm — it can be the brain’s way of slowing down overwhelming change.

2. Anger
Anger can feel consuming. It may be directed at yourself, your partner, society, religion, or even the broader world. You might notice increased irritability or conflict in your household. Anger is a normal emotion, but it is important to find healthy and constructive ways to process and express it.

3. Bargaining
Bargaining may involve making internal promises or hoping for a different outcome. This could look like thoughts like, “Maybe this is just a phase,” or promises to keep your child safe if circumstances somehow change. While less discussed in this context, bargaining can quietly appear as you wrestle with uncertainty.

4. Depression
This stage can bring deep sadness, fear, or heaviness. You may find yourself worrying about your child’s safety, their future, or how the world will treat them. You might ask:

• What if my child can never get married?

• What if they can’t have a family?

• What if they become a target of hate?

• What will people at work say?

• If I support my child, does that conflict with my religious beliefs?

• Did I do something to cause this?

These questions reflect fear — not failure. When feelings of sadness or hopelessness become overwhelming, reaching out to friends, family, faith leaders, or mental health professionals can be incredibly helpful.

5. Acceptance
Acceptance does not mean forgetting your earlier dreams. It means making peace with a new understanding of your child’s life — one that is based on who they truly are, not who you imagined them to be. Acceptance brings space for renewed hope, deeper connection, and authentic pride.

It’s important to remember that grief can resurface. Major milestones — relationships, weddings, children, career changes — may bring up old feelings. This is normal. Reflection during life transitions often reactivates earlier emotions.

How Grief Connects to Coming Out

When your child comes out, the picture of their future may suddenly feel uncertain. News headlines often highlight prejudice, discrimination, and violence against the LGBTQIA+ community. It is natural for a parent to fear for their child’s safety and happiness.

Underneath many reactions is a core concern: Will my child be okay?

Grief, in this context, is often rooted in fear and love. It reflects the loss of certainty, not the loss of your child.

It is essential to name and acknowledge these emotions. Suppressing them does not make them disappear. Processing them thoughtfully allows you to show up for your child in a more grounded and supportive way.

Loving Your Child While Processing Your Feelings

Experiencing grief-like emotions does not mean you don’t love or support your child. In fact, the very act of reading this article suggests that you care deeply and want to better understand your experience.

Parents are human. You are allowed to have feelings. The key is what you do with them.

• Seeking support — whether through therapy, support groups for parents of LGBTQIA+ children, trusted friends, or community resources — can provide space to process your emotions without placing that emotional labor on your child.
• Your child is not asking you to give up your dreams for them. They are asking to be seen for who they are.

With time, many parents find that the new picture of their child’s life is not smaller or less joyful — it is simply different from what they expected. And often, it becomes richer because it is rooted in authenticity.

You are not alone in these thoughts and feelings. Support is available. Growth is possible. And families can emerge from this process stronger, more honest, and more connected than before.