How to Practice Acceptance

How to Practice Acceptance

How to Practice Acceptance is written by Lilly Knopic, LPC, NCC, MFC, Teletherapist

We all avoid. By nature, we as humans protect ourselves from discomfort and “danger.” And at the same time, our inclination to avoid discomfort can come at a cost to our goals.

The costs could be:

• missing important cues about values and what our emotions are communicating.
• using energy that could be better utilized towards more important goals.
• impeding access to positive emotions.
• causing further problems due to ineffective avoidance strategies (ex., Overeating, overthinking, scrolling on your phone, etc)
• simply prolonging the process of healing because what you are avoiding will inevitably return (Hill & Sorensen, 2021).

For example, if you avoid embarrassment by not speaking up in a social or work situation, you likely will feel less confident later. You experience anxiety about scheduling a doctor’s appointment, so you procrastinate calling, only to then feel more anxious. Avoiding guilt may result in missing the opportunity for an apology that would be beneficial in a relationship. In these difficult moments, we can resist change and put ourselves at risk of these costs, or we can attempt to access meaning in the discomfort through the skill of “acceptance.” This blog reflects on the effectiveness of accepting discomfort.

Acceptance

When you read that word, what comes up for you? Any stories or beliefs? Any opinions or judgments? Fear?

Let’s try the words of willingness, courage, allowance, and flexibility. How do those words land instead? These words are descriptive and give us a clearer picture of “acceptance.”

Here are some additional perspectives on “what” acceptance can look like:

• Acceptance is the opposite of avoidance.
• Acceptance means we will have emotional flexibility and will make space for all emotions in a situation.
• Acceptance means that all emotions have a biological function and are communicating to us (if they weren’t uncomfortable, we wouldn’t listen!).
• Acceptance means being willing and allowing unwanted emotions, even if we do not prefer them or what they represent. For example, if we avoid guilt, we may miss out on an opportunity to remedy a situation where we acted out of our values.
• Acceptance means having the courage because you may access understanding and deeper meaning.

My favorite metaphor of acceptance that I’ve encountered is that acceptance is like “swimming.” You have to be open and willing to get wet if you want to learn how to swim; there is no way around getting wet.   As with any new skill or behavior, it is important to know “why” and “how” it will be important and worth the effort. “What’s in it for me?” is a reasonable question, as well as “how do I do it?” if you are told to accept something.

Below are a few strategies that I have found useful when I need to “get wet” in a situation.

Accept with your Mind

What do you notice? Tend to the pain with awareness and curiosity, rather than avoidance.  

• Notice your thoughts: Are there unhelpful beliefs or non-factual thinking? Is your inner critic present in this moment? Thoughts are not bad, yet they can increase the intensity of emotions. 

• Investigate and be curious about the experience: What is your emotion telling you? Does it fit the facts? What does this moment show you about what matters the most in your life right now? 

• Self-talk statements to nourish and access self-compassion: “I allow. I receive.” “Right now, it is like this.” “It makes sense that…” “What can I say yes to?” 

• Ask, what’s in your control and what’s not in your control: Note it in your mind, or write a list. 

• Can you “let it be” versus “letting it go.” Try putting something on the shelf versus dismissing it. 

Accept with Body

Let your body feel it. Make room for the emotion. Release muscle tension. Accepting with your body is comparable to learning how to float on your back first, before swimming, so that you can rescue yourself.

Allow your body to slow down and signal to your nervous system that you are safe: Tell your body you are not being chased by a tiger through the woods right now by opening your palms, softening your eyes, relaxing your face and shoulders, and breathing through it. Sigh deeply.

• Try Breathing Techniques:
  • Paced Breathing (breathe in for four seconds, then exhale longer)
  • Soothing Rhythm Breathing (try on Insight Timer)
  • Breathe in and out to the mantra of “Mind slowing down, Body slowing down.” Breathe deeply, slowly, and non-urgently.
• Notice your sensations: To help you describe them, try giving your emotional experience a 1-10 rating. (10 being the highest/intense)

Accept with Behavior

Eventually, once you’ve conquered the fear of getting wet and have learned to float, you’ll flip yourself over and place your face in the water, which is a metaphor for accepting with our behavior.

• Proceed: Tell your body you are not in danger by proceeding with a sense of non-urgency in whatever task you were doing or want to do in the next 5 minutes.
• In this moment of emotionality, act in alignment with your values despite the discomfort of the unwanted emotions (Are you willing to feel x and still do Y).
• Small, actionable behaviors are attainable: Want to jump? Start by jumping off a piece of paper.
• Go back to the skill of “what’s in your control.” Engage in a behavior that is on the list of “what’s in your control.”
  • Practice with moments of “Micro-acceptance”
    • In a moment where you are annoyed or irritable (such as arriving at your appointment early because you got the time wrong, or driving to the end of the road to find out it is closed), breathe through it and tolerate the discomfort. Check the facts. What’s in your control to move through the moment? This is growth. This is shifting a behavior. “The best way to maintain a trail is to walk a trail.” Consistent effort and practice reinforce perspectives.

The Role of Therapy in Acceptance

The goal of therapy is not to eliminate stress or unwanted emotions in life. Rather, therapy supports “riding the waves” of emotions more effectively without fear of the emotional experience. Acceptance is the path through (Hill & Sorensen, 2021). Acceptance is a path back to being human, and therapy helps us overcome our fear of being human. Therapy offers space to practice opening up, and opening up provides more freedom.

“Wishing you a full life-not without pain-but because of it.” -personal message from Dr. Diana Hill

References

Hill, D. & Sorensen, D. (2021). ACT Daily Journal: Get Unstuck and Live Fully with Acceptance and Commitment (ACT) Therapy. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.